Posted in random

Killer Stoves and Cleavage Coolers

The stove/oven combo at the place I live is really unusual.  It’s not all one thing.  There is a stove top with four burners, but the oven is NEXT to it, set into the wall.  We actually like this set up, we don’t have to bend over to get things out, and it’s especially good for when we cook anything heavy, like when we cook turkey on Christmas.

But I think our stove top is trying to kill us.

There was the day when one of the burners burst into flame.  And when I say that, I mean it BURST, LOUDLY and turned into a Roman candle for about 30 seconds.  The mom unit was trapped in the kitchen, I was trying to figure out how to get her out while simultaneously trying to remember if we had baking soda (electric stoves suck), and both of us were screaming.  I also remember being really happy that our renter’s insurance was paid up.  Then, it just stopped.  They came and replaced said burner, but even the repair guy couldn’t explain why our stove wanted to kill us.

Then some burners would randomly stop working….and then just start again.  The repair guy came about 3 months back, and replaced the little electrical box under one of the dials, telling us that should take care of it.  Nope.  Just a few days ago, I put the kettle on to make tea and had a seat on the couch.  It’s a whistling kettle (belonged to my late uncle and I love it), so I never worry about forgetting it.  I got involved with my TV program, and 10 minutes later, realized that my kettle never started whistling.  Had I turned on the wrong burner?
Going into the kitchen, I saw that I had the right burner on (the large right front one), but nothing was happening, it was stone cold.  Then we realized the back rear left one (also a large one) wasn’t working as well.  So another call to the management who called out the repair guy again.

I don’t know about you, but I kind of hate having repair people in my house.  There is no reason, I’m just misanthropic.  I am kind of fascinated by most of the stuff they do, but the stove guy grates on me.  The worst part is that whoever designed these apartments decided that the best place to put the breaker box was right behind my bedroom door.  So when he has to turn the electricity off/on (and he has to because it’s an electric stove and he’s fiddling with the wires), he has to go in and out.  Right next to the door is a large bookshelf I refer to as “my altar”.  I have stuff on there that means something to me.  I have a tiara a boyfriend got me to wear for my birthday several years ago, an empty mint tin that has a Ouija board design on the outside, a strand of green Mardi Gras beads that hang down to my knees given to me way back in 2009, and so on.  Well, the last time he went in and out of my room, he had a bid stupid smile.  It wasn’t until he left that I went in and looked around….what was so funny?  That’s when I realized what it might be.
My bodice cooler from Ren Faire.
I’ve attached a photo below of a vendor with several of them, for those of you who don’t know what they are.
See, Ren Faire tends to be really hot.  Like, REALLY HOT (at least around these parts).  So a bodice chiller is meant to be placed between the breasts and filled with ice, and it helps keep you cool.  Last time I went to faire a few years ago, I bought one, but I bought an “unusual” one.  Instead of it having a normal “pointy” end, the end is shaped….like a penis.
And it’s green.
Now when I bought it, I thought it was funny and clever.  But now it’s only my alter with its penis end pointing up to the ceiling.
It looks like I have a glass dildo that I am proudly displaying, and yes, it’s fairly obvious, sitting on my shelf in all it’s green penile glory.

So basically, if the stove ever craps out again, we will just have to move.




Born in March with a bad attitude. Crushing on Norman Reedus, Sean Patrick Flanery, and Balthazar Getty to name a few. Walking Dead/Talking Dead addict. Snail saviour. The only Hell my mama ever raised.

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